I Refuse to Sink

I am like the unsinkable Molly Brown on the Titanic. For some reason I have been in more situations than I can count that should have led to my demise and undoing. I have been hit by a car as a toddler, totaled a car as a teenager, beaten and abused by a drug addicted boyfriend, been drug addicted myself, been mentally and emotionally abused and cheated on by a narcissistic husband, and now I have cancer. I will, in time, tell you all about the many "sinkable" moments in my life, and how I found the strength to anchor myself down and stay afloat. Today's post however, is about what is happening to me here and now; cancer.

So to hear this story, and really appreciate it, I need to start from the beginning of it all, Oct 2014. Jamie (my husband at the time) and I had been trying for another child. I had gone to the doctor that month to remove and IUD that had been in place since the birth of my first daughter. You should know that my husband was not interested at all in another child. I knew in my gut, someone was waiting, and I was determined to not force that spirit to wait. I felt a lot of pressure to hurry and have a child. I didn't know why, or what was coming. I now know, this was a major blessing.

When I found out that I was pregnant in May of 2015 I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed. This moment was supposed to be joyous and happy yet I was terrified and felt isolated. I looked from my bathroom floor to the empty bed in the master bedroom and knew then, he would not like this news. He had not been home for a few days, I had no idea where he had been, or who he was with. I just knew, it wasn't places a family man should find himself in. I knew he had started drinking, heavily, and was suspicious he was having an affair. I had tried my hardest to obey the commandments, follow expectations, attend my church services, teach my children... and yet, my husband was quickly becoming the town drunk.


How and why was this happing to me?


Had missing that Sunday service when I was overwhelmed and tired been the reason?


I hadn't been perfect in my Family Home Evening lessons either, was this the result of my lack of perfection?


No. I had to come to the conclusion that my husband has as much free agency as I do. He was making a choice, and unfortunately, we all suffered. Greatly.

I hired a lawyer and prepared for legal battle. The day I hired the lawyer and drove home, a broken man sat upon my steps when I returned. He begged for forgiveness, pleaded for mercy, and promised to improve. I was torn. I didn't believe him, yet... what if he did fulfill his promises?


I let him in.


He spilled his guts about what he had been doing. The drinking, the women, everything. I was in shock. I decided that I would give it 6 months of trying. We could reassess the situation then. Those 6 months were short lived.

Three months later, less than 3 weeks after the birth of my 4th child, a beautiful baby girl, my husband hired mediator and we laid out divorce proceedings at our family dining room table while the 3 oldest were watched by my parents. I will spare the details for another post regarding the divorce. Point is, it didn't get settled and was turned to the courts in March of 2016.



During the first half of the year of 2016 I started to experience lower back pain. I just chalked it up to pain from carrying my youngest around on my hip all day. I often ignored it. When it got to the point of needing medication, I just took it, and didn't really think much about it. Figured I was getting old and kept popping my daily dose of Aleve or Tylonal.

In Sept 2016 I had a court hearing. It did not go well for me, or as well as I'd hoped. Jamie lied to the judge and the judge believed him. I suddenly found myself in a dark place. A hopeless place. Full of fear that my children would be going to spend time with their drug addicted father (also for another post!). I lost 20 pounds by Oct. I suddenly was very very tired all the time. I assumed it was severely depressed.

I was seeing a therapist from the time I learned he was having affairs. So I had been seeking mental help through it all. It was beyond beneficial for me. However, nothing I tried, said, or did, was helping me find more energy or feel better. My leg was starting to ache now too. I decided I had cancer...

Then I talked myself out of it because I felt I was being extreme. I went to see my doctor with my complaints. She sent me to physical therapy for my back and gave me some antidepressants. After 3 days on Celexa, I stopped. I had a horrible reaction. Hallucinations, increased anxiety, insomnia, etc. I was not going to play that game anymore and stopped the pills. I stuck with the physical therapy because I did notice some slight improvement in my back and leg pain. Unfortunately, the pain never fully went away, not matter  how many times I saw the physical therapist and no matter how diligent I was with my home exercises. And mind you, I almost always did my therapy homework, so I was trying!

Finally sometime around Thanksgiving of 2016 I started my first cycle since having my baby. I had been nursing my baby girl, so I was not having cycles. I was under so much stress with fighting my ex and trying to get divorced that the irregularity of my cycle went unnoticed until Feb of 2017. I finally decided that I probably needed a birth control pill to help regulate my hormones and get my cycle back in a routine. I requested a pap smear 6 months before I was due to have another. You see, the last time I had one, it came back clean and I was told that I didn't need another for 3 years. When the doctor performed the procedure she found a growth.

At first we believed it might be left over tissue from my labor, as it was my hardest labor out of my four children. My doctor sent me to a gynecologist the next day to remove the remaining tissue and maybe find out what it was exactly.

The specialist believed it was muscle overgrowth and said that is very common. Both doctors sent a portion of the tissue they removed to the lab just to be same.

No one thought cancer.

Except me and the dark parts of my mind.

I kept reassuring myself that my doctors were right and it was nothing.

Two days later, the results came back.


Cervical cancer.


I was pretty alarmed with the results but talked myself down again. This was going to be no big deal, little surgery to remove some tissue and then BAM! All better.

God had a different learning experience for me in mind.

Two days later I had a CT Scan. The results took me to my knees in tears. Several of my nodes in the localized area were 3 to 5 times the size they should be and ranged from as low as my pelvis floor to as high as my kidneys.

Luckily I was home alone when I had my break down and my kid's didn't have to see my moment of weakness. I told myself, get up, gear up, and get ready for a fight.

Then I did the worse thing possible...

google.


Google has always been a friend to me. I've never really looked up illnesses and such before. I decided to this time and learned some staggering things.

On several cancer pages I learned that my cancer was most likely advanced. Stage 3 at the least. Stage 4 is terminal. This was not the news I wanted to hear. I decided to stay off google and just wait to talk to doctors. And boy, do I have a handful of doctors now!



My first appointment was with a gynecologist oncologist at the Monarch Cancer Center. She was lovely and informative. The appointment was a little weird though. It required yet another vaginal exam. Just as I was claiming at least I don't have to bend and cough like men do, she told me I had to have a rectal exam also.

Um, what?!!

Let me tell you, that was interesting and nothing compared to a vaginal exam. Men have no room to complain. Just sayin'.

After the very personal getting to know you session my doctor explained to me that the cancer is small and has not invaded other organs yet. So it was rather odd that my results showed cancer in the nodes. She sent for my labs and slides as she wanted to personally review them and make sure it wasn't a rare type of cervical cancer. She ordered a biopsy of my biggest and highest node to ensure there was only 1 cancer and not 2. She also told me that the most likely reason I have cancer is because my spouse gave me HPV and when you go into labor it triggers the virus to rapidly grow into cancer.

Um, what?!!

So my no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-soon-to-be-ex gave me this?! Well that was another thing to add to the heap.

Side note: we read Holes recently and that line just seems applicable to my ex now!


All my results came back as good old regular cervical cancer. Let me tell ya, that was a relief. If you have to have cancer, you don't want rare and weird cancer. You want good old fashioned, we beat this all the time, normal cancer! She then set me up with two other doctors, a radiation oncologist and a chemotherapy oncologist.

I saw the radiation guy first. One of his first comments to me was our whole goal was to keep me alive long enough to raise my kids.

Um, what?!!

So now I'm terrified that I am a dead woman walking. He was very nice, I am not complaining, he just put things into prospective for me. Quickly.

He ordered a PET Scan. Which I was grateful for because I was dying to know what stage I was... haha, literally!

I saw my chemo doctor the next day and he made me feel a little better saying my cancer is very sensitive to chemo and curls up and dies with proper treatment. So yay, that was good news!

My PET scan came back showing my cancer had oddly skipped every single organ in my body and went from the cervix to the lymph nodes, stage 3. I felt so lucky to be stage 3 and not stage 4.


Through this whole process I have learned how important a good attitude is and prayers. Not just my prayers. Prayers from family, friends, and even some from strangers. It buoys me up in ways I didn't know were possible. I thank you for all the thoughts, prayers and extra love.

About a month ago a dear old friend sent me a lovely necklace in the mail with a wonderful reminder to fight. She sent me a verse from Alma 36:3, "... I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and there troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

I refuse to sink.

I will always keep fighting, keep praying, keep enduring. The Lord will bless you if you don't quit. Be like the unsinkable Molly Brown, and keep on keepin' on!